Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Strange Places

I'm in a strange place these days. That's not to say that Sacramento is so unusual, but being absent from my family for a week at a time each month is. Prior to the initiation of these long distance job assignments, I had spent a grand total of 4 nights away from our twins over a period of four years. That's an average of one night a year and even then I had to be pried loose from my precious children with a crowbar, kicking and screaming. Now I am absent 5 nights a month. I've just multiplied my annual average times 60! But as the recession has continued to cast a pall on our household (see my prior blog post "Living with Mr. Mom") I have increased my non-maternal work hours exponentially to sustain "the lifestyle we have become accustomed to."

Of course I always envisioned that lifestyle as one where I was a SAHM but then my dh had envisioned it as one where he was gainfully employed. I guess the joke's on both of us!

As if working weekends and holidays weren't bad enough, now my latest job (one of FOUR that I currently hold) requires these weeklong overnight trips away from my husband and children who, until recently, were the centerpiece around which I designed every one of my days. Instead, now each month I drive up to Sacramento where I hole away in a small hotel room with a kitchenette and shuttle back and forth each morning and evening to my given assignment for that week. The first night away from the warmth of my children's squirmy bodies in bed was rough, really really rough. I missed the nighttime giggles, the gentle hands that clasped my arms around them, the snuggly kisses and hugs. I barely slept four hours that night, if even that much.

The next night was our first time trying Skype. It only made me miss them more. I didn't want to hang up but I didn't want them to see me cry either. Again, I slept very little. I could see that this would be problematic since my job requires me to be clear-headed and alert, not sleepy and weepy. After a ridiculously difficult day at work because of my sleep-deprived state, I vowed that the next morning I would check out the "gym" at the hotel. The "gym" turned out to be two treadmills, a stationary bicycle, and an elliptical machine in front of a small television that blared the 6 o'clock news. Still, it was better than nothing.

And it worked. That night, I slept like a baby. Speaking of which, I am slowly realizing that the quality of one's sleep is actually enhanced by the ABSENCE of a tiny person laying next to you in bed kicking you all night long. And there are actual benefits to being able to sprawl across the bed without worrying about waking anyone up, child or adult. Hmm. I now make a point of visiting the pseudo-gym every morning that I am away on assignment, something I very rarely get to do at home. Which got me to thinking about other things I could do that I rarely get to do at home, like watch trashy t.v., openly indulge in unhealthy snacks, and eat Asian food (I have the misfortune of being married to a non-Asian eater). I also get to indulge in movies, shopping, and salon and spa services without wondering who will watch my kids or how to get home in time for the sitter - because I know who is watching my kids (dh) and I'm not coming home until the end of the week. It's as if for a week at a time I shed my Mommy identity and become someone else. And that someone is single and childless.

I am in this awkward phase now where I am still kind of in the throes of mommy guilt for abandoning my family on a monthly basis (albeit necessarily) and kind of enjoying parts of it. It's like a rainstorm while the sun is still shining. I'm not quite sure how to feel yet. Teresa Strasser expresses this ambivalence between maternal instinct and human solipsism best in her memoir about her pregnancy entitled "Exploiting My Baby". I know there are PLENTY of mothers and/or pregnant women who are truly offended by her anti-Nancy O'Dell rhetoric and her scathing criticism of "overmommying". Personally though, I find it hilarious. Heck I don't even know who Nancy O'Dell IS and it cracks me up! Especially during these long absences away from my children I remember very well all the insecurities I had when I was pregnant, my fears about what kind of mother I would be and whether or not I would embrace the maternal instinct that I was certain lay dormant within me. Like Strasser, I was not one of those "I-always-knew-I-wanted-kids" type of moms. In fact, dh and I devoted very little time on the topic and made the decision fairly hastily, so as far as I'm concerned Strasser and her husband have one up on us already! Reading her book while laying in my hotel room in a bed that had been made for me while I was out, my kitchenette and bathroom cleaned and restocked with supplies, I realize I am not alone. There are plenty of mothers out there (or mothers-to-be) embroiled in the same selfish versus selfless battle.

So how should I feel? Sad because I miss my kids or kind of relieved because I get to spend some time selfishly taking care of my needs alone? I think Teresa Strasser would snort in disgust at my over analyzing. I'm here, for better or for worse. As she says, "Let's not be bound by our scrutiny, but by our communal attempt not to screw up."


Disclosure: I received a complimentary copy of "Exploiting My Baby" for review. The opinions expressed in this post are my own. This is a "From Left to Write" book club post.

2 comments:

  1. I normally do both: enjoy the time alone that doesn't come by easily, AND miss them.

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  2. Great post and thank you for teaching me a new word: solipsism!

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